dumbshow | highly new, slightly improved open post

[No one looks good right now, but on the other hand, Huaisang had been unfairly pretty when they were teenagers, and he's certainly grown into his looks, so. That's his first thought, but to be fair, he's never once worried about whether or not Huaisang was alive. He's been safe in Qinghe, and honestly, in whatever small scrap of his mind he can devote to anything but revenge, he's been glad. Good, that at least one person is safe. At least he knows one person he lo-- likes is still alive.]

I'm early, I think . . .

[He's ridiculously early, he shouldn't be here until tomorrow, but wounds were high last fight, and the thought of rest was too tempting to ignore. Besides: he's not even twenty. He can't be blamed for the occasional softness.

(Or, well. He could, once upon a time, but now his mother is dead and--

Whatever).]

Sorry.

[Slightly belatedly, he releases him. Sorry, bruh.]

[Ah, and it's been ages, and they're at war, but Jiang Cheng is still so earnestly... himself. Huaisang doesn't smile, but his mouth twitches up at the corners like he might have, in some other time and place. Some world far outside of this one, where most of their old classmates are missing or dead—]

Oh- it's alright.

[He's fine... this is awkward, maybe, but it's so good to see Jiang Cheng alive that Huaisang can't even pull his gaze away. Ah-]

Since you're early, you should rest... I can have someone get some tea and food and bring it to you.

Thank you.

[It's been long enough he honestly almost bows. It's only polite, after all. But on the other hand, it's Huaisang. They might not have been in contact the past year, but it's a bit difficult to look at a man with whom you've caught fish and served detention and think about bowing.]

If I'm keeping you from something--

[That's not what he means. For god's sake.]

. . . come join me, once I've changed. If you want.

[Well, it's not like Huaisang has bowed either, to be fair. He offers tea and refreshments from a servant because this is his house, he's Second Young Master Nie here, and he probably should only be caught rifling through the kitchen for himself and not his brother's guests.

Odd, suddenly, to think of Jiang Cheng as his brother's guest, but the invitation to join him distracts him from that sadly distant thought immediately.]

Oh— I'll come find you!

[Ah, but after he reins it in, a little. It doesn't take long to point Jiang Cheng in the right direction of the guest rooms and then go make his request for tea and food; the refreshments arrive before Huaisang does, but he figures it's at least polite to duck in and inform Mingjue as hastily as possible that yes, the Yunmeng boy is here, and yes, he's handling it. Give him an extra couple minutes. But hmm, what does one say... perhaps he could just look at Jiang Cheng some more...]

[It's such a relief to leap into a bath.

It doesn't matter that it's cold water; at this point, he'll take literally anything if it means he can scrub the dust of the road off his skin. He's not quite as pampered as some people, but he still has standards. That and a set of fresh robes-- in Nie colors, of course, they're guest robes, because all his things are, again, dusty-- plus some time to reorient himself, means he's a lot more comfortable when a knock sounds at the door and he slides it open.

The tea is sweet and warm, and he takes pleasure in it for a few seconds. But what to say indeed, hm.]

There hasn't been any battles near you, right?

[Ah, yes, the war. That's a fun topic.]

Edited 2020-03-30 06:33 (UTC)

[Cool, the war... Huaisang loiters in the doorway for a moment, just- just looking, before he actually enters the room to sit down. If not for the war he could feel less foolish about the heart flips a little, seeing Jiang Cheng dressed in Nie colors... ah, never mind.

The war. Okay.]

Not yet. My brother leaves disciples behind when he goes out to fight, just in case...

[But uh, hmm. It's still taking a risk, leaving the epicenter of the sect up to Huaisang and a handful of disciples.]

We're in the way here, but my brother is pretty formidable.

[THE WAR . . . and it's funny, huh, because he's done nothing but think about the war for weeks now. His entire life has been strategizing and planning and lying awake in the dead of night, wondering how badly he's doing, how much better his parents would be at this. How he knows, he knows, that he is no general; that every single further death that the Jiang Sect has to endure is his fault.

It wasn't just exhaustion that propelled him to the Unclean Realms. Nie Mingjue is fearsome, oh, yes, but more than that: he's clever. There's a reason he was elected leader of this campaign; he has a natural eye for battle. Of course Jiang Cheng wants to see him; he's desperate for anything that might stave off the inevitable wave that feels eternally poised to crash over his head.

And here, now, when he's every excuse to stop thinking about it, he brings it up again. But he can't help it, not when it feels as though stopping will somehow be calamitous.]

Good.

[Good he stays behind; good that nothing dangerous has reached him. Good that his brother sees sense, because the thought of Huaisang on the front lines is . . . nauseating, honestly.]

. . . what was it?

[Before. Just now. It's such a stupid topic, but he'll try anything. Part of his mind may be eternally replaying the blood and the screams and the smell of burnt flesh, the feeling of having his core melted (but it's fine now, it's nothing)-- but at least he can try.]

Before. You stared at me. Do I look so different?

[Huaisang settles, picking up a cup just holding it for a moment, enjoying the warmth i his hands and the aroma of the tea. It would be nice, he thinks, to just have tea with Jiang Cheng like they could back in Gusu, without... everything else.

And ah, here's everything else to rear its unpleasant head again, because it's everything else that left him staring at Jiang Cheng. He glances up, eyebrows raised, almost like he's surprised by the question.]

I— um, no. [He looks exactly how Huaisang remembers him, if not, well--] You look tired.

[He raises the cup to drink, sedately. A year ago he could have teased Jiang Cheng about the Nie robes, or done anything but sedately sip tea, which feels unnatural even to him. But, times being what they are... Hmm.]

It's good to see you. I didn't know— My brother didn't tell me everyone who's supposed to be coming.

[He looks tired, he feels tired. Even sitting here, now, is tiring, because this is so peaceful that he doesn't know how to trust it. How does he savor this? He can't. He can't savor anything, because he knows sooner or later it will shatter, everything shatters, his home his family his sense of peace his heart--

The only thing that's been steady is Huaisang.

Not necessarily to Jiang Cheng, mind you. He hasn't seen him in ages. But at least this, here, now, is the same: Huaisang sitting with a cup of tea, perpetually safe in Qinghe, somehow untouched by the war.

So . . . so look at Huaisang, then, he tells himself. Look at him, and don't look away, because everything else in his life is a bloody wreck, everything else in his life is confusing and terrifying and awful, but at least there's this. At least he knows Huaisang still, even if he doesn't know himself anymore.]

Mm.

[It's good to see you, and the words stick in his throat. It is good to see him. It's better than Huaisang can imagine. But instead of saying that-- instead of saying anything-- he ducks his head and sips at his tea and tries not to fall apart.]

They burned Lotus Pier down. Did you know?

[Was that what he meant to say? No. Is it what popped out anyway? Yes. And it's funny, because it happened ages ago, of course Huaisang knows, everyone knows, but--

Everyone knows, and so there's never been any need to say it out loud. He stares at him, slightly lost, eyes darting about his face.]

[Ah, so they're going to talk about it, huh. Huaisang opens his mouth to speak and shuts it again, frowning. It's not that he doesn't know what to say - like, he doesn't, but it's not that; it's the phrasing, it's the dozen unasked questions he equally doesn't have answers for, it's everything. Once again, it's everything.

It would be easy to sit in Qinghe and block out the world for the rest of this war, but Huaisang can't as long as his brother is involved, and Jiang Cheng— he knows what role he serves. It's not hard to realize that he is the steadying presence, somehow, when he's been so often scolded for being flighty and unreliable before. He is that for Mingjue, and now if he can be that for Jiang Cheng, well...

Mm. Take two.]

I heard. And while Xichen was still missing, too—

[Things were, hm, unhappy in the Nie household for a while there. Skipping that for now...]

I'm sorry, [he says, though he's sure Jiang Cheng doesn't need any more sympathy. Huaisang doesn't think "my parents also died young!" is, like, great material here... err.] You should get some rest, so...

I can't.

[Is this better or worse than that awful, awkward stiffness of before? He really doesn't know, but it really doesn't matter: it's coming anyway, words slipping past his lips faster and faster, because Huaisang is steady and safe and easy, so, so easy, unlike anything else. Wei Wuxian is a catastrophe of unanswered questions and Yanli is safe within the Jin clan and there's no one else, there's no one else who could possibly understand right now.]

I don't sleep anymore. I just . . . I lay my head down when I can't stay up any longer, and then I pass out. I can't rest, Huaisang, I can't . . . not until they're all dead.

[Oh, but if that doesn't break his heart instantly. The Jiang Cheng he knew at Cloud Recesses was never sunny, no, but to hear him dissolve into this utter despair right in front of him like this is so— he puts his cup down, lest he grip it too tight and spill it everywhere.

He doesn't think to sway Jiang Cheng away from his revenge; that seems stupid, at best. But it would be nice if he could sleep, wouldn't it... Just once.

And maybe that's it, maybe Jiang Cheng's hasty confession that he doesn't even sleep anymore pushes Huaisang to cross a boundary or two. He motions silently for Jiang Cheng to stay right there, he'll be right back, then stands and crosses to the door— which he slides shut. Firmly. Pointedly. They're alone in here, and so— so Jiang Cheng can be something besides the tragically young Sect Leader Jiang now.

Maybe? He still can't think of anything worth saying when he turns back to Jiang Cheng, and so in the absence of any words that sound right, he helplessly holds out his arms. Don't question him, just come here.]

[He watches in silent incomprehension, not understanding even when he closes the door. What does it matter if anyone hears him talk of this? None of it is new, none of it is shocking, so why--?

And then he spreads his arms, and it hits him. His expression doesn't fall so much as crack, his eyes going wide. He's sitting, and thank god for that, because he feels as though his knees might be buckling; there's a roaring in his ears, he feels stupid and numb, his thoughts nothing more than hazy static, and he doesn't know when it happens or how but suddenly he's there, burying his face against Huaisang's neck, fingers gripping the front of his robes.

The tears come hot and fast, but he doesn't make a single noise. Just stands there, shuddering violently, greedily taking anything Huaisang is willing to offer.]

[In retrospect, he should have expected the tears. But Jiang Cheng has never cried in front of him before, so it still startles him for a moment now, even as he wraps his arms tight around his trembling shoulders. It's going to take mere seconds for his neck and the collar of his robes to be a mess, wet and gross, but he'll care about that later. Now it's just Jiang Cheng, and Huaisang tugs him as gently as he can, guiding them both to sink to the floor right here by the door.

So they can be a little comfortable while weeping, anyway. He holds Jiang Cheng tight, cheek pressed into his hair, and for a minute or so that's it. Just silence and contact and hopefully, some scrap of comfort.

When he thinks he can move without shattering Jiang Cheng completely he shifts to loosen his grip and rub his hand in a gentle motion over his back. It's cool, snot on his robes, that's what he's here for...]

I... I'm not going anywhere.

[His eyes squeeze shut at that whisper, but he seems to have calmed down enough he doesn't burst into tears again. Instead: he rests his head against his shoulder and stares at nothing, more grateful than he can say for the rhythmic motion of Huaisang's hand. It's soothing, but more than that, it's soft. It's kind. And that sets it distinctly apart from when his mother had hugged him, that first and last desperate thing. The comparison could shatter him again if he let it; instead, he tightens his grip on Huaisang's robes and tries to keep his breathing from sounding too uneven.]

I know.

[He swallows thickly, tries to clear his throat. He doesn't dare look up just yet, he knows his eyes are red and, alas, there is indeed a lot of snot, but at least he can talk.]

I can't . . . I don't know how to make it stop. I keep killing them and it doesn't stop.

[Cool, did not ever expect the first time he ever got to hold Jiang Cheng to be like this, with bonus sadness about murder not being enough. Really living the dream here. Huaisang just focuses on holding him, being that steady presence he's actually good at. Hmm...]

I don't know, either. Jiang-xiong... this won't be you forever.

[Maybe for a while yet, but surely not forever!]

As- as long as I'm here, you can always come to me.

[Oh yes it will he almost snaps, because that's what it feels like. Instead: he keeps his mouth shut, and as a reward he gets to hear that second statement.

It's good he's already shattered. It means that those words fall on him like feathers instead of crashing into him, ruining him, because god: what a statement that is.]

That's too tempting.

[Because it is, really: the thought of getting to run back into Huaisang's arms, to the smell of tea and the silence of an empty room, to the two of them contained and separate from all the chaos outside . . . god, he'd always be running back.]

[This isn't the time to laugh, and in Huaisang's defense, the noise that he makes is more of an airy huff than anything substantial. Tempting? Please. He's serious about this, but thinking about anything beyond that is...

Well, never mind. He moves his hand up to stroke Jiang Cheng's hair, glad at the very least that he's calming down.]

I mean it. I thought... I might not see you again. This is the best I can do.

[He can't kill all the Wens or change the past or anything, but tea is good, yes? Yes.]

[He doesn't take offense, fortunately. He's too exhausted. It's why he doesn't fluster as Huaisang gently combs his hair, a movement straight out of one of his more saccharine fantasies.]

I never worried about you.

[Wait, fuck--]

I just mean . . . I knew you were safe. Whatever else happened, I didn't have to wonder if I'd find your corpse somewhere, or hear thirdhand that you'd been tortured and killed.

[Hmm, he didn't want to think about getting tortured and killed, but that can't be helped, huh. He hums, trying not to think about it, despite the conversation, pressing his face into Jiang Cheng's hair in a way that is most definitely for Jiang Cheng's sake, confirming that he's very much here.

It's him who would be the one learning about Jiang Cheng's death thirdhand anyway, if it came to that—]

I'll be fine in Qinghe. And when this is over I'll be waiting to see you again. [Is that a thing he can do? Just casually and totally platonically declare that he'll wait for him? It's wartime, the rules are different--] So you'll have to make it!

[If nothing else, that hits him: faintly, but there's a flutter deep in his chest, something that he'd thought long since burnt to ashes. It's equal parts surprised and pleased, despite the fact he knows Huaisang means it platonically.]

I don't plan on getting killed, you know.

[Just as a general reminder. That's a pretty bold statement for a man who willingly gave himself over to the Wens a few months back, but eh, we don't talk about that. And it's wartime, the rules are certainly different, so he smirks faintly and adds:]

What, are you going to give me a token to remember you by?

[Oh, he's feeling calm enough now to tease, is he? That's so great. Huaisang scoffs, and you know what? Maybe he will! Maybe he will right now! He reaches up to tug one of the pins out of his hair, letting the clump of braids fall loose.

He wiggles the pin at Jiang Cheng. Here, punk.]

Here— I'll give you a token to remember not to do anything stupid with your life.

[Revenge quest is fine, but don't be dumb about it, alright? Thanks. Take the pin.]

[He'd expected a quiet parry to that bit of teasing, not for him to actually give him a token. He blinks once, rubs at the remnants of tears in his eyes, takes the . . . it's not a token. It's a pin. A reminder. It means something, sure, and it's not insignificant; he won't ruin the gesture by hoping for more.

Carefully, he takes it. It's pretty, because of course it is, but not frivolously so. More ornate than he usually wears, but nothing he'd be embarrassed to be seen in. His thumb rubs over the head of it, pressing down just so he can feel the way the carvings press against his skin.]

When did this turn into a lecture? Stop scolding me and help me put it in.

I'm just making sure... Hold still.

[Can he get this pin into Jiang Cheng's hair at this angle, without making him sit up? Probably. It's so much more important to feel the weight of him than to make this pin look good right now, so compromises have to be made. Huaisang takes the pin right back, nudging Jiang Cheng's fingers out of the way, studiously not thinking about that while he's comforting a dear friend in his time of need...

No. Huaisang has manners. He'll help put the pin in, not perfectly, but it's the sentiment that counts.]

...There. [mmmm...] If my brother asks, pretend you don't know.

He'll notice?

[Like, he won't say a damn thing, because Nie Mingjue is terrifying enough without courting disaster, but also: it's a pin. Surely he won't notice such a thing; it's not as if Jiang Cheng is a girl, after all. There's no chance of scandal.

He's just a friend. A friend wearing Nie colors, hair a little messed up, wearing a token from Nie Mingjue's beloved baby brother. Hm.]

He'll notice.

[Reluctantly, he sits up, scrubbing at his face once more. Ah . . . there's a lot of snot and tears left on Huaisang's robes, unfortunate. It's embarrassing, but whatever. He has a lot of robes, he'll be fine.

(And what's really remarkable about this little exchange is that while he's been busy focusing on tokens and hands and the steadiness of Huaisang's body against his, he hasn't once thought about the war. It's only a few minutes, if that, but god, it's a relief).]

You're going to get your pin back after your brother murders me over a misunderstanding.

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