sappy love song lyrics

[pruning]

[Leon's days off are always an interesting trial. Part of D likes having him around all day, on the off chance he's bored enough to be helpful, or do something endearing with Chris, or just go entertain Pon-chan in a corner away from any customers who come in. Those days off are alright. But the ones where Leon is bored, but not bored enough to want to do anything except sit on the couch and ask D, over and over, if he'll close shop and do something "more fun than cleaning up bird shit"... Well. Trials.

Thankfully there was an important errand for D to run today, and he didn't bother asking if Leon would like to come along. What the errand was isn't important; what matters is that it was dull, Leon would have hated it, and it took even longer than D was expecting it to take - even he's on the wrong side of tired by the time he and his nondescript bags shoulder their way back into the shop some time after he said he'd be back. The CLOSED sign remains untouched; he needs a break, he's decided, at least for a bit...

Whatever is happening in the shop when he walks in is not what he hoped to find. There's Leon, and - flower petals? and candles? and a small group of animals menacing him, presumably for making a mess...

god he was gone for like an hour and a half tops what did you do

D will be over here, still hovering close to the door with his errand bags, not sure which kneejerk reaction to go with first.]

... What exactly are you trying to do to my front room?

Comments

[dicktective]

I know they understand me, 'get the fuck away' means just that, I know they know that! [He casts another furious glance around.

--Animal instincts were usually far more keen than humans, maybe, but Leon's been told he had similar ones for as long as he can remember. It's possibly because of this that he can sense the sudden change in the air and pauses mid-step, giving D a quick, wary look.

It quickly turns aggravated though and he unwinds his arm from D to wave his hands in protest.] Why does it have to be something I did? She just saw a harassed, good-looking guy with flowers and candles and assumed the worst!

[So harassed. Life is so hard for Leon, you see. He puts his hands on his hips and looks off a moment mentally counting.] It was just... It wasn't a lot. There were a lot of sugary sort of candles! I didn't know which one you'd like!

[There's a worryingly long pause while Leon clears his throat and shifts uncomfortably, suddenly finding one of the hanging lanterns (put up, Leon thinks, more for atmosphere than actual lighting) very interesting.] Just one of each... [Mumble mumble.]

[pruning]

Leon, for heaven's sake— [SIGH, never mind, he's not going to bother lecturing about swearing at the animals in such a paranoid way. Not now.]

Do I harass you? [There is no answer in the world to that question that's safe. Even "no." No answer at all. The smirk on his face should give that away well enough, at least, and he's quickly switching gears to candles anyway.

One... one of each... How many candles are sold in a candle shop, oh god.]

You could have made an educated guess... [Warily he looks around, taking a mental survey - okay, there's the one on the couch, and the other ones Leon dropped before... the tea candles were already here, so—] Where did you put them?

[what if chris burns down the shop leon WHAT THEN]

[dicktective]

Ye- [Yes. Yes you do. But even Leon isn't stupid enough to not catch the trap that's lying in plain sight for him. He cuts his answer off with a sudden cough and clearing of the throat.

To be fair, it's only one each of the cakes and other sweets-smelling ones, so it's only... like... 17 or something. Now D never has to buy candles again! It's a win-win situation in Leon's mind.]

Your-- Our room. [It's still a bit weird to call it that and he still feels an urge to add no homo or something equally ridiculous when he says that (or whatever the 90s equivalent of 'no homo' would be.)] Look, I know what I'm doing sometimes, alright? [He huffs, aggravated, and toes at the rose petals again.] Things just got. Complicated. The animals... [he trails off with a vague hand wave as if 'the animals' solved all further questions and were clearly the blame for all of this. He would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling animals!.]

Try to do something nice for someone-- [Grumble grumble NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. How ungrateful.]

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[Thin ice, mister. And 17 is a lot, considering they last 90 hours on average. Maybe he wanted to buy his own candles!!

D makes a face - strained, at best, because he's faced with a rosy mess and too many candles and there are animals who are upset about this and he just wanted to lie around with some sugary crap and not act as house dictator for an hour. Just an hour.

He tells himself this was not Leon's fault (not in the way things are Leon's fault usually, at least) and nods, apparently coming to some decisive conclusion.]

I'm sure it would have been very nice. [That's even half sincere! Then he steps over rose petals and a fallen candle to slide his arm around Leon's. This is it. This is the big moment. The moment of compromise. The option to walk away without D getting frenzied over this offensive mess.]

Show me the candles.

[dicktective]

[Leon slides his gaze to D, mildly suspicious, and then looks at the mess.] What about-- [No, don't question it Leon. He'll clean it up later, maybe.

Or maybe he'll just try to convince the animals it'd totally be a good idea to clean it up for him. The mental image of himself trying to convince some raccoon to sweep with their tails like something out of Snow White comes to mind, and Leon wonders what strange turn his life took.]

Candles. Right. [He leads D away, sighing lightly.] You know, I was going to try that whole, 'rose petals in a bathtub surrounded by candles' thing too. I probably would've set a curtain on fire trying. [He's not sure what weird magic keeps 's shop going (he tries not to think about it usually, really) but probably being set on fire wouldn't help anything.]

[pruning]

[They would probably eat the rose petals before sweeping them up, to be fair. It'd be cleaned up in the end, still.

Thankfully Leon understands taking the bait well. Leaving the front room's mess behind is one thing, but the thought of a bathtub full of rose petals is another. It gives him pause; not the fact that half the shop would catch fire (probably), but rather - no one has ever done that for him before, or even wanted to. No one has gotten close enough to try. And now here is Leon, talking about these things like it's the most natural thing in the world to do for him...

Part of his stomach flutters while the rest drops out suddenly, terrified. D tries not to think too often about whether he's in over his head with this, because he most definitely is. His hold on Leon's arm tightens briefly, but that's probably just affection. Right?]

Perhaps at a more appropriate time than the middle of the afternoon. [...] And my baths do not have curtains.

[Plural. What sort of pleb do you take him for? They are ornate, and anything that looks like a shower-bath with a curtain exists solely for Leon's peace of mind. Do not question the shop.] I will show you sometime.

[dicktective]

[It's not like Leon can't not notice the sudden tightening of D's grip on him. He casts their linked arms a curious look, and then turned the look on D, but he can't get his concern out when the next comment has him huffing lightly in surprise.]

Baths? How many baths does one guy need?! [How much plumping goes on behind close doors. Does that increase D's water bill any? Does D even pay bills? Does a petshop make enough funds to house not only all these animals, but people like Chris and leon too??

--Honestly it's better for his own peace of mind to not question these things, but not it's really making him wonder. What about electricity? Cable? Dial-up internet? Did D even use the internet?

There was so much Leon didn't know.]

M'going to get a migraine...

[pruning]

[Thirty baths. It's probably more like three, three-ish, but there is at least one small beach in the back of the shop so let's just not focus on the large amount of baths. There are bigger concerns.

D frowns, watching Leon logic himself into a knot. Stop that, moron.]

We'll light a candle for you. [As if that will help. Remember those, though?? Don't get distracted or he'll go back to the kitchen and die on the spot.

... And somewhat indignantly, looking ahead down the hall again,] I like baths.

[dicktective]

How is a candle going to help? Weird Chinese secret? [He's probably still half-convinced all Chinese people know kung-fu, to be honest.

Right, candles. The corner of Leon's mouth twitches as he fights a grin at how annoyed D sounds.] I like you in the bath too. [NAILED IT. He grins broadly and has to fight a laugh this time, ridiculously pleased with himself. Oh yeah Leon, so smooth, who's the man?]

[pruning]

Yes. [The ancient art of passive-aggressive candle lighting, perhaps.

Anyway—wow. D makes a face, caught somewhere between "this is where I've laid my affections" and thinking about baths in greater detail. Don't let the bad flirting win... don't do it...]

I did say I would show you. [perfect casual delivery] Another time.

[dicktective]

[Leon's silent laughter quickly becomes a loud cough and he clears his throat, adjusts his collar, etc.]

Yeah, uh-- Oh, look we're here! [He says it a bit too quickly and loudly, yanking at D some as he rushes on to open the door and show him the candle mess inside.

Which is, surprisingly, not much of a mess. He placed them all in a corner of the room, and there's one already lit on the nightstand. The smell of blueberry scones is everywhere, and once again Leon looks pretty proud of himself.] You should just invest in these than that incense crap. It's probably cheaper, and it smells better!

[pruning]

[still got it]

[D's insufferable smirking is cut off by being yanked into the room, and he does look around warily at first, wondering what mess he will encounter. But miraculously, everything smells like scones and there's only one out of the way, unsightly pile for him to pick up and put somewhere else while Leon is at work.

Just saying, he's going to do that. He waves a hand dismissively as he casually detaches himself from Leon to go have a look at the already lit candle. These big, store brand jar candles are not his favored, overly expensive (and probably imported for no reason) candle variety, okay...]

'With pure, natural extracts'...? Essence of baking flour, perhaps? [shit wait maybe he shouldn't make fun of this] It smells very nice!

[dicktective]

Wouldn't that make it explode? [Flour explodes or...something, right? He glances skeptically at the lit candle,before picking up one that boasts that it smells just like pumpkin pie.]

This girl I dated once used to light these sorts of ones to pretend she actually knew how to cook. [He looks amused, as if there's nothing wrong with bringing up some random girl he dated who knows how long ago to his current plantfriend.]

Do you know how to make pumpkin pie? [He's already thinking ahead to Thanksgiving now that he's got the candle in his hands. After a moment Leon turns to eye D, trying to imagine him at an Orcot family reunion Thanksgiving dinner thing. To be fair, the rest of his family was better off than he was-- cultured, or something, so maybe he'd actually fit right in. Thanksgiving would at least be a more 'formal' occasion.

Maybe a 4th of July party, with barbecue and beer and fireworks. D standing with his mouth a thin, judging line in the middle of red, white, and blue tacky decorations and screaming kids.

Leon turns away quickly, but his shaking shoulders might give him away.]

[pruning]

[TALKING ABOUT AN EX... It's not that D is both incredibly petty and even more possessive, or anything, but—oops? He makes a face, perhaps close to the thin line mouth of intolerant anger Leon imagines, and quietly resolves to throw away that pumpkin pie candle as soon as possible. He'll pretend an animal knocked it down and shattered its glass jar, or something.

He doesn't even want to know what's so funny now. He's a little embarrassed to be so automatically peeved when Leon starts talking about girls he's dated, but to his credit - he's already made the compromise to not lock the man up and burn the key, so some courtesy in return would be nice.

Or at least not asking him if he can bake things This Girl pretended to bake. How rude!!]

Of course I know how to make pumpkin pie. [BUT HE WOULD RATHER STARE AT SOME OTHER CANDLES, BYE]

[dicktective]

[Leon laughs out loud, unable to help himself-- he can tell D doesn't sound happy, but he's not sure if it's because Leon insinuated he could bake a pie, or something else, but it's not enough to keep him from laughing. Your boyfriend's dumb, D.... Sorry.

He settles in a grin and sets the candle back down] Great, you can make it when Thanksgiving comes around. I'll taste test for you. [And then, partly because he feels like it, but mostly because he hopes to distract D from whatever mood he's in, Leon crosses over to press a smacking kiss to D's cheek.

Baby come back, you can blame it all on meee]

[pruning]

[The dumbest, and yet... Much in the way many people look at their other halves and wonder how everyone else in the world could not be in love with them, D looks at Leon and thinks he definitely understands why they're not. What a dope.

No offense or anything. Like the fickle jerk he is, D is placated by the excessively affectionate leech-like suckering kiss. He hums, an edge of amusement slipping back in at the last moment. Amused or not though, it doesn't stop him from raising a hand to - gently, mercifully - push at Leon's cheek. Don't slobber on him, oaf.]

That's quite a ways away. [... holidays!!] Did you buy candles that smell like Christmas cake, too?

[dicktective]

[Wow D, that's rude. On all accounts.

Leon laughs as D literally pushes him away. He debates blowing a sloppy raspberry on D's cheek, but decides he's carefully balancing a line as-is and smartly retreats. As much as he likes riling D up, a cop's got survival instincts too.]

No, no Christmas Cake. There's Christmas Cookie though. And there's a Bunny Cake one. [He trails off and then gives a shrug as if to say 'who the fuck knows why.'] They had one shaped like a Christmas cake though. Who the fuck would buy that?

[He says with a mountain of candles sitting on the floor behind him.]

[pruning]

[He didn't give anyone a black eye this time, so it was affectionate and not rude. QED.]

Bunny cake... [What does that mean? Americans. D can't help but be a little disappointed there isn't a cake-shaped candle in that pile; it would be cute, right? Novelty candles are adorable, until they just smell like cheap wax burning instead of anything nice.]

I'm sure if they had a candle shaped like a beer can, you would have found some use for it. [this is your fate leon]

[dicktective]

[Leon grits his teeth and... doesn't really say anything to that, because really that would be awesome.]

People like beer. No one likes Christmas cake. That's shit you give to relatives you don't see or care about as a festive "fuck you!"

-- Wait, I'm thinking of Fruitcake. Whatever, it's the same thing. [Hey D do you think your dad might want some fruitcake this year... Also it's not at all the same thing?? Christ, Leon.]

You know I think they have candles shaped like pies too. I saw a blueberry one, I nearly bit into it before I realized. [Did he really or is he trying to take focus away from his fruitcake blunder with an even dumber blunder? The sad thing is that either is perfectly plausible.]

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[Darling... dear... stop... Is he sick?? Did he sniff too many candles and fall into some kind of delirium? When will it end?

That's not a bad idea about sending pops some fruitcake, though. Remind him in a couple months.]

Which did you notice first, that it was wax or that it had a wick coming out of it? [Flatly, because - he doesn't want to know, and also does. It will unfortunately help him gauge how dumb his choice of mullet cops is.]